Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Family Celebrity
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami