Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
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Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Running from your problems is cardio .
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
The photographer’s assistant
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING