@LlamaInaTux

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

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@E_lok44

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

@shawnspree

Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

@DamonHunzeker

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

@crunchenhancer

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

@OtherDanOBrien

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”