Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.