My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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[first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how’s your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
“Dr that’s the model skeleton”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
me: WHAT IF
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish