@Tmoney68

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

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@ilovepie84

My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus

@jazmasta

[first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how’s your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
“Dr that’s the model skeleton”

@Shade510

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

@TheFakeCNN

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

@MattTheBrand

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

@sofarrsogud

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

@StainsQueen

I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish