Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.