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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
