Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
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Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
you have three unread messages
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
everyone’s a critic
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Think I pulled my liver
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case