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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
How do you milk an almond?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.