Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

barbara was highly relatable

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then