Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

What fresh Hell is this?!?

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.