Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Already got one
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
