Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
sliding into dms like
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Children of the Corn Man
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Not today
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
