Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker![]()
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
A wise man once said nothing.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.