Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.