Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Florida be like…

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.