Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

hand it over!

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.