turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
#MeanwhileInCanada
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.