turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
no such thing as a dumb question
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
Brands during Pride
