turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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He’s dead
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no