Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.