Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

My good tweets are in my other pants.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38