Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I will never stop laughing at this
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.