Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
i really liked this one
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Florida man
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what