Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
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DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
lol
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.