Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
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When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
spot the difference
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.