Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

this is a sign that you need a union

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?