“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
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stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.