“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
How to wake up a Beagle
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Sex so good you see dead people.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington