“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
You Might Also Like
😭😭😭
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
No one:
London landlords:
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?