Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Smooooooth

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her