Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

ㅤ

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Ah..makes sense now

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners