Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves