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Challinje aceptid.
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
When you’ve simply given up.
did it work
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
They did not miss in the small print
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”