Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Stop.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.