Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

With this onion ring, I thee fed

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with