Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.