Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

🧠

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction