Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
That’s fair
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.