Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
this FaceApp is creepy af
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.