Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
My dog learned how to text
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*