Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.