“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
You Might Also Like
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
How can I say no to this ?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m giving up for Lent.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES