🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK