馃檨
turn that frown upside down
):
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I鈥檓 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn鈥檛 count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I鈥檒l tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you鈥檙e here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn鈥檛 have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I鈥檓 terribly sorry sir, but pets aren鈥檛 allowed in here
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
The look of utter betrayal on my son鈥檚 face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Fruity
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?