🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
are there any atheist mantises?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.