Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

My sex drive has a dui

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.