Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us