Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Squirrels before girls.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!