Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
The asteroid..
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?