Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
You Might Also Like
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
barbara was highly relatable
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
What flavor cupcake are these
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.