“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Beware of the dog..
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath