Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early