Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
You Might Also Like
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
this is me
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.