Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.