Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
stop
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now