My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
Me: Okay, let’s go
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[Going through rubble after a house fire]
Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.
Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door