Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history