Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there