Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.