Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I feel seen.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend