Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

😭😭😭

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea