Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Home #decor warning.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Room with a view.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.