Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
That’s enough internet for the day
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds