Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

A comic by Dan Piraro

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.