Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Breaking news:

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.