Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

#parenting

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’