Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
When your man makes a valid point
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard