Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”