Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

That eye roll….

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.