Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.