turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.