turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
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Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Phonetics
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}