turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice