turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology