Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

mumsnet is amazing

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office