Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Saw online –

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.