*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
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I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Jesus Christ lmao
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
found my next D&D character name
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.