Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Customize Your Wedding.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.