Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Worth the read.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.