Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
You Might Also Like
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
scares
