Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
#Caturday
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times